Makan tuch omongan loe! (meaning me!)
So kan minggu lalu untuk SOM III exam aku share tentang being stretched by God utk membentuk character kita. And today was the day aku dapet first hand experience of it. Bener2 Tuhan selalu menguji apa yg kita omongin.
hari in kan tugas final dikumpulin. Class mulai jam 10am. And tugas groupku sebenernya udh kelar. Aku udh kerain tugas ini sejak minggu lalu, everyday aku masuk editing suite pagi dan pulang malam hanya utk tugas ini. Even ampe weekendpun aku kerjain diuni. Trus td mlm udh kelar tinggal diburn keCD. Tp udh mlm udh jam 11pm and bus aku terakhir jam 11pm so aku pulang and tmnkuy yg cewe. Kita decide bsk pagi diburn sebelom class. (Tmn2 groupku yg lain [2 cowo] udh pulang krn ada tugas yg lain).
Nah hr ini aku dtng pagi keuni utk burn cdnya and benerin soundya sedikit. Trus tiba2 tmn groupku bilank 'eh, gurunya mau kita keclass skrg' trus aku 'bilank kan ini blom diburn' trus dia bilank 'gpp kok gurunya bilank kita msh bisa kerja ntar.'
Yasudah, kita pergi trus gurunya tanya mana tugasnya and I said that masih perlu diburn. Trus tmnku ini langsung marah2!! Dia bilank kenapa blom diburn dsb. Dia marah2 ama aku. Trus aku jelasin that td msh dibenerin soundnya and aku udh ksh tau loe trus loe bilank ntar aja.
Akhirnya dia marah2 pake kata2 *********** and aku jd panas! Tp Roh Kudus cuman menghiburku dan menagatakan: jangan ngomong. Diem. Ntar jd berantem.
Akhirnya diburn and as usual ada error message tp tmnku ini ignore it. Akhirnya kita balik keclass and sure enough CD nggk jalan. Trus dia mangkin marah2! Dia ngomong ********* and marah ama aku. Dia bilank 'kan gw udh kerjain ini wkt sabtu mlm ampe pagi biar kita siap hr ini. Gw marah bgt deh!!!!'
Tetep aku diem. Aku hanya bisa minta hikmat and kekuatan dr Tuhan biar aku ngk ngebalas dendam ama dia!
And saking marahnya dia lempar itu CD wkt diclass and marah besarrrr...
Aku cuman bisa tanya ama Tuhan, 'apa yg terjadi Tuhan? Knapa jd begini?'
Tuhan cuman bilank 'persis apa yg km share diSOM III tentang stretching. Aku lg strecth km skrg. Aku lg ajar km kesabaran and juga humility.'
Aku belajar dr situasi ini that seringkali Tuhan lg ajar kita utk 'take the higher road.' Mungkin itu dlm bentuk mengalah. Bukan mengalah krn kebodohan tp mengalah bisa Tuhan bisa mengangkat kita. Seringkali kita dibikin mundur biar kita bisa maju. Sering kali kita bikin jatuh biar bisa bangun. Sering kali kita mengalami kesakitan bisar kita bisa sembuh. Dan dalam semua sisi 'negativenya' ini ada harga yg hrs dibayar. And for me it was to humble myslef and be patient in times of tests such as these. I'm not perfect. But He is making and continuously moulding me to be better. And all I can do is pray, believe and hope that the best will come out.
Aku percaya Tuhan lg 'potong' semua hal2 yg "jelek" dan "kotor" dr aku and replacing it with His character. And I also believe that hr2 ini Tuhan lg ajar aku that everything yg selama ini Tuhan "sembunyikan" bagiku Tuhan lg keluarin. Semua ttng leadership and serving and humilty and pride itu Tuhan lg ajar pdku. Seperti lukisan yg blom selesai tp aku "kira2" bisa membayangkannya.
So dr semua ini aku hanya bisa bersabar, bertrima kasih atas semua org yg Tuhan pake utk menjadi alat utk "mengasah" aku. Baikpun itu enak ato tdk enak, sakit ngk sakit Tuhan melakukanya demi kebaikan aku.
Thank you for your wisdom and understanding Lord. Kl ngk ada hikmat and Firman dr Tuhan aku bakal hilang dan "mati" dlm kebodohan dan kemanusian aku.
Father
As I walked into the church service yesterday morning I bumped into my Pastor and shook his hands. As I greeted him the Holy Spirit spoke the word 'father' to my heart. I didn't know what it meant. I mean I know that my Pastor is my spiritual father but other than that it didn't make any sense. (I also felt a spiritual, compassionate connection to Him) But I just brushed it off and went into the service.
After the praise & worship came the preaching. And when I saw my Pastor again the Holy Spirit spoke the word 'Father' again. And I repeated the same answer 'Yes he is my spiritual father. So what?' I said 'I have a paternal father.' And what does your paternal father do for you? I said 'Well he helps me alot when I need him. He will do anything for me even if he doesn't have to. Like taking me places and picking me up like he's my personal driver. I mean my dad is a taxi driver by occupation but I don't necessarily have to make him pick me up and drop me to places. But he stil does it for me anyways because I am his daughter and he loves me.'
Just like our Father in Heaven. If our paternal father would drop everything and do anything for us how much more will our Father in Heaven do for us? That's what the Holy Spirit reminded me. I have to keep in being thankful for what I have.
Moving onto the sermon and about my Pastor. As I sat there listening to Him my compassion grew stronger towards him. Like there was something driving me towards him. It was weird. What was even more weird was I was note taking (as usual in every servie for my personal use) I felt like I wasn't writing. It felt like everything my Pastor was sharing was somehow "being spit out into my notebook" through my writing. I can't explain it, so it may sound jumbled to you now.
I just felt the strong urge to write it all down and as I did it I asked God what it meant. And He answered: you need to have a chat with your Pastor. Tell him about the compassionate feeling you have. It's a compassionate feeling that I've given you so you can feel for others. Tell him about your note taking.'
So I've come to the conclusion that:
-I have to have a chat with my Pastor
-Ask God more about this 'compassionate' feeling I have for others in need
-What does He want me to do with it?
And sure enough just as the peraching ended my Pastor was in tears because of God's revelation for him. And as I was there I asked God 'is this what yo're showing? Are you showing me this to tell me that I need to speak with him?'
I seriously don't know what it means. Even right now as I write this in this blog, it doesn't make any sense at all. I don't understand. All I know is that I may ahve to speak to my Pastor.
Lord, help me understand all of this. Lead me to direction you want me to take.
Talk the walk Steph!
Yesterday I had a Bible Study (SOM III) exam. I've progressed unto level 3 of my studies and it was time for me to preach, share, bring the word to an audience. (Whatever you'd like to call it.)
We had 3 assessors who were also our teachers during the semester. I guess to some extent I was comfortable sharing in front of them since I've known them for quite some time through church. But despite being comfortable and at ease the feeling of nervousness as you're about to share does not fade away. Despite having done many speeches or presentations we all still feel nervous when presenting.
So anyways I had prepared my sharing from a week ago. So I felt I was ready to present. I shared about 'rubber band'/stretching (my story in my previous posts but with Biblical supportation).
At yesterday's persentation I was the last one to go and present. It was late afternoon, we had all been in the classroom for almost 3 hours, we were all tired (well at least I was). I was ready to wrap up the day and go home.
So I went up and did my presentation. Aware of the time, late afternoon and other obligations we all had, I cut out one of my verses that I was going to use as a point. It was my own doing because I wanted to condense what I had written.
Anyways, I got through the presentation really well. I mean I didn't choke up! Hehehe...
It was time for feedback. And I love receiving feedback. I'm always looking for input and suggestions as to how I can improbe and be better next time. It's not to say I'm a "oush over" and will do whatever people say because I do have my own groundings but I'm learning to have the attitude of 'self improvement.' There's no harm in that and of course everyone wants to learn and be better!
So I was looking forward to the feedback. Especially since I've learnt to love sharing and to some extent preaching. And also because I was going to get feedback from more experienced people.
So the feedback I got included:
-really great, was blessed, well structured, double thumbs up
-clear, good body language and eye contact, great message, good use of illustration and Biblical examples. We've watched you progress from level 1 where you did the paper exam up until now where you present to an audience, you've improved and grown maturely. [You seem different.] You're always looking for ways to be better and you want to learn, so it's great. Only thing to improve would be to shorten the sharing title and fluctuate the voice.
-great message, no problem with the content. Only improvement would be to always use Biblical verses as main point and own experience as sub point. Remember to always bring everything abck to the Word of God because that's what you're sharing about. A little less motivational and little more Biblical focused.
It was all such a great experience for me! I accpeted and loved the feedback because now I know where I need to improve. I leanrt that if I had gotten all positive feedback then it would casue to me be proud of myself. But God is good! He is always keeping me humble!
So I'm looking forward to the one-on-one consultations with the Bible Study (SOM III) teachers and my church Pastors. I'm looking forward to stepping further into the fulfillment of His calling upon my life!
I'm appreciative that God has used the people around me such as my Bible Study teachers and my Pastors to help me find my way in finding and completing my purpose in life. Thank you.
Also because...
(I've learnt that I'm also in this job) so I can be stretched! Stretched so I can reach that success that God has already planned for my life. Stretched so I can grab that miracle. Stretching so I can build my confidence around affluent people. Stretched so I can improve my communication skills. Stretched so I can make a network where ever I go. Stretched so I can reach the fulfillment of my destiny that He has placed for me.
As Jentzeen Franklin wrote in his book 'Believe that you can.' He stated: Have you ever had God push you into something you would have never voluntarily jumped into? Success is facing the challenges of life and not shrinking back from them. Every person God has ever used had to stretch.
So enjoy your period of stretching. Don't run away! Endure it and you will reap the rewards!
Wear those heels, girl!
I started a new casual job (Saturdays only) today at a retail store. I was offered this job some time ago but I hesitated because I wasn't confident with myself in serving the retail store's target market and also because I had other things going on on Saturdays.
But today I made it to work. And as I sat there thinking about my "purpose" in this job. 'Why is God putting in this place? Why is God putting me in a situation where I feel most vulnerable? Why is God putting me in situations where I feel "uncomfortable"?' And why do I feel these things you may ask? I guess my only explanation is: I'm afraid of letting go of my comforts and stepping up in confidence and stepping closer to the fulfillment of His calling in me.
In this job I'm learning to grow in confidence. Confidence in myself (that I can do things when I put myself out there), confidence in my communication skills, confidence in being comfortable in the "skin" and "design" God has already moulded me to be yet I haven't fully "developed" into it yet. And most of all I think I'm put in this job to be more sensitive to His Word and to be a blessing to the people I meet! Who knows as much as they are blessed by my customer service, I too will be blessed!
And as a side bonus: I'm learning how to maximise my make-up skills, fashion look and my skills in walking in heels.
Whatever You're preparing me for and where ever You're preparing to take me through this job, I am in total surrenderance, Lord!
Why don't I just save myself all the trouble and do as He says?
I've recently been troubled by the things in my life. So many things going on and I'm starting to feel like I'm "drifting away" and falling into a routine. I'm not doing things out of passion or drive but purely out of 'because I have to.' And I'm finding it to be very very uncomfortable and more tiring. For example, I'm heading towards the end of this uni semester and eventhough I'm taking part time study I feel like I have alot of work load. I think many other factors have come into play that has contributed to the consumption of my time, effort and energy such as family, ministry, 'thinking' about work etc. All of these things are pulling me away from what I am, who am and who I am supposed to be.
I was starting to feel like I was losing my "identity" in my ministry, uni, family, looking for work in the sense my purpose in these avenues have changed because of getting tired, busy, lack of direction and focus.
And this morning in church I reminded through the preaching that God can give me whatever it is I want: a job, clear direction of His plan, able to save money etc. but what really wants from me is to forget about "working" for the things you want and start doing what He wants and has called me to do, which is write the book, re-focus on your ministry, use your talents and what's in your hand for the greater extension of His kingdom.
I've come to this understanding through the recent experiences and feelings I've been having lately. The feelings of loneliness, loss of identity, tired, routine etc. And those are all the signs God's is giving me to show me that I need to come back to His original purpose for me. And this was what I taught to the kids this morning: to find out what God wants from us, use our hobbies and interests to glorify His name.
It's a wonderful thing when I get to teach and later find out through the Holy Spirit that the message was alot more directed at me than for anybody else, even the kids. That's why I believe every valuable sharing grows from experiencing the Word yourself first before it can be shared to others. One of the amazing things I love about teaching! =)
So I guess this blog post is about me re-aligning myself with Him and coming back to my "post" or "Godly assignment." And to confirm all this was when I was looking for job vacancies online about 30 mins ago. I was trawling through and felt strange and uncomfortable. I couldn't pin point it. But after taking a shower I knew what was happening. God was reminding me that everything I have now is not because of me. It wasn't through my own efforts. Everything I have has been literally given to me. And so even work if work is what I'm looking for then surely God will give it to me but what was uncomfortable about it was that God was reminding me that it was not "secular" work He wanted me to do but rather my ministry and expanding what He was placed in my hands to extend His kingdom. And further confirmation was when I was shooting some footage at church this morning. I had the video, tripod and everything and I felt like this was also another contribution of my talents that could be developed and used to glorify His kingdom. Not to just use my media skills for uni or secular purposes but to eventually use it for Him!
(Oke, I'm stopping now because I feel like I'm writing an essay!) hehehe...
My hair smells like milk...
I was enjoying one of my many wonderful deep sleeps until I was awaken by the horrible sound of an incoming call from my mobile phone. At first I let it ring for a bit confident that it was my mum calling as usual to wake me up. But when my ringtone didn't call out "k-ring...k-ring...Mum" it caused me to take a looko at the caller ID which caught my surprise as it was an office number. I looked up at my clock which read 7.15am. My mind was like "who the heck would ring at such a time?" (And please bear in mind that "morning" for me is like 12 noon) So I cleared my throat and answered the call. At this point I was half awake and half dead to the world. My mind wasn't switched on yet. Just like a computer it needs "loading time."
Anyways, it turned out to be the childcare place I had an interview with a few weeks ago. I can't remember what words were exchanged during that conversation since I was still grappling with the fact that 'I'm sleepy, I have to get out of bed and work?'
But the important things I remembered which were come to work today at 9am until 5pm at Alexandria, wear black pants, uniform provided, bring bank and tax details.
And with that I was off running getting ready and still trying to wake myself up! (I'm so useless in the mornings! Seriously!)
So I got to work that day on time. With about 20 mins to spare before work I sipped on my chai latte hoping it'll help me "wake up."
The day went by both slow and fast. It went by slow everytime I thought about how sleepy and tired I felt. It went by fast everytime I played with the kids!
And basically that's all I did. PLAY! Imagine that I play at work! The first thing I did was play in the playground with the kids. It was hot! Then we moved on inside where the kids (2-4y.o) played some more. Then we had morning tea, where I had to clean up after they ate. Then I was shuffled into the nursery where I played with the 0-2 y.o. Then I was on kitchen duty again after the 2-4 y.o finished their lunch. Then I helped the kids have an afternoon nap. Then I was allowed lunch. Then (to the "HIGHLIGHT" of my day) NAPPY CHANGING TIME! As the kids woke up I had to change each and everyone of their nappies! The bright side was there were a few who didn't need nappies so that helped! I'm not complaining about the nappy changing. I'm definitely learning alot from it! But there was a point where I couldn't tell which kids I had changed and which ones I didn't eventhough there was a chart with there names and I had to tick off which ones had been done. But it was so hard since I didn't know what their names were and when asked what their names were they would just stare into my eyes with no response. So in the end there were some kids who were already potty trained but I put nappies on them! So bad! =(
Anyways after all that was done we had afternoon tea and then played in the playground again. Then I was called to go into the nursery and play there where the kids had a "water fight." It was so hot that day that the teacher threw water to cool them down. And I basically stayed in the nursery until I left for home time.
Things that I've learnt from that day:
- learning to be more patient
- the first kid that approached me was named Kristoffer (so cute!)
- sharpened my nappy changing skills
- sharpening my communicative skills with kids
- learning to be more energetic
- learning not to complain in my situation. There are people out there who are doing it far worse than me.
And most importantly I'm leanring to love kids again!
Tears of a teacher...
In Kidz Church today during the praise & worship I tear-ed up. Not because I had a fight with the kids or because of something terrible but purely because of God's presence and love for His kids.
We were singing the song "Heart of Worship" and towards the end Asya (the worship leader) asked only the kids to sing the chorus. And as I stood there I was "in the moment" where nothing mattered. It didn't matter that I was tired, sleepy, hungry, feeling the pressure from uni work etc. All that didn't matter. What seemed to be most important was being in a room filled with all His precious little ones. I stood there with my eyes shut, head raised up, ears opened listening to the small voices coming out of the small little bodies of these kids. They literally sang out on the top of their lungs the words:
Here I am to worship
Here I am to bow down
Here I am to say that your my God
You're all together lovely
Altogether worthy
Altogether wonderful to me
And all I could do was cry. Tears of uplifting, tears of joy and of love came running down my cheeks. I knew God was saying that this is what He wanted-to hear His children sing to Him for it is pleasing in His eyes.
I knew that as the kids were singing that song, heaven stoppped and all the angels came about to listen and witness His precious ones loving Him through worship. It was indescribable.
I mean we as teachers get tired with routines, the same thing every week, "active" and "non-active" kids, those who listen and those who don't but seriously at the end of the day what we do is not just a service, it's not just a lesson but it's taking these kids on a journey to experience God, to love Him and to know Him on a personal level. And after seeing and listening to those kids sing that song like that I know that all the things we do in preparation for it is worth nothing. I mean all the hard work and maybe critics about how tired we get but when we get to witness something like this everything doesn't matter because we know that what we do is just for Him.
So I'm learning that whatever I do, no matter how tired or frustrated or pressuring it is know that it's all rewarded by Him and at times it may not be through materialistic things. It could be the small things in life like listening to the kids sing like that. It's priceless.
Getting in touch with the little girl inside me...
Since I've been in the creative and decor team of Kidz Church, I've rekindled my "interest" in arts and crafts. Scissors and sticky tape have been my "weapons" and strangely enough seeing my cousin Grace cut out and stick random pictures from magazines have also caught my attention.
I was wondering in her room yesterday. She quite creative so her room is full of pictures and texts that scream out fashion, design, colour, youth and fun!
So I thought 'hey maybe I could do this too?!' So I took some magazines from her and will try to start making collages in a scrapbook form and see how it goes. Because it was something I loved when I was a kid: making scrapbooks and sticking and pasting.
Hhmm... have I been hanging around and thinking about children too much? Is the little girl inside of me trying to get out? I wonder... Hhmmmm....
Suffer because I'm afraid...
We had Kidz Church this morning and it was AWESOME! I certainly enjoyed myself even though I'm suffering from the side effects of it now - shortness of breath, strained throat, aches in my body and tiredness. Nevertheless when you serve with your whole heart and with all your passion no amount of "weight" will pull you down the next time around.
Anyways, what I wanted to share was about my sudden fear with microphones has caused me a great deal of trouble. So if you've been reading from my older older older posts you would have known that I was elected high school captain. Along with this role is to speak in public. And given that I'm a "reserved" person I had a fear and that was the microphone. I remember as a kid all I wanted was to be "invisible" and not just in the childish sense but also as I grew up I tried to do things that didn't bring attention to me. My primary school teachers would forget my name because I was so quiet and to me that wasn't an offense but rather a strange "compliment" because it showed I wasn't bringing attention to myself.
But anyways back to today, so I was supposed to use the microphone to speak and give instructions to the kids regarding the games. My leader also advised me to use the mic but I preferred not too. I said that I'll be fine using my natural voice. (At the time I thought I would be okey but now I'm definitely not sure about that!) So as stubborn as I am I went through it without a mic and as I reflect upon it (as I always do) on my way home I asked God why I was so reluctant to use the mic? What was it that "frightened" me of microphones? And I heard His voice reminding me of the person I used to be, the shy, reserved, quiet, "invisible" girl and the woman God is moulding me to be which is a strong, mighty woman of God.
And I understand now that life has its stages. There comes a time in each and everyone of our lives where we are reminded of who or what we used to be but then we are also directed to see who we are called to be and the ultimate decision is in our hands. Whether we choose to live in the comforts of our weaknesses or do we step out in the discomforting process of fulfilling our calling.
My suggestion here is don't be fooled and live in your comfortable confines and suffer because you are afraid but be courageous and be bold for you lose nothing when you let go of your weaknesses!
