randomz-tephiee

One step forward, two steps back

Reminiscing: 2008…I’m only 18 days into 2008 and I have already faced my first problem! Great way to start the new year, don’t you think?! (okay, I’ll try not to be so negative about the whole thing)

So, here’s the story: You know that I been out of uni for half a year. The time that I had off cleared a few things for me. I know now that I definitely want to get a degree and actually make something of myself. I also had time to focus on my church work. I had learnt and grown more, maturely, (I hope) into a better and stronger person.

I had aimed for a lot in the past half year but most of the things I had aimed for never really got accomplished. I know now that its not what I plan that works but its what I don’t plan happen. I know now that its not I that has the authority over my life but its God.

The plans that I have made for myself have never turned out to be and now I have realized that its time for me to just lay it all in His hands and let Him dictate my life.

I have always had an obsession of making things right. Doing things the right way. Going by the books. Never leaving and room for mistakes. Well, after 18 days into year 2008 I have lost my ways…

So I find out that I have made a mistake on my uni application and I have reduced my chances of getting back into uni this year. The course I’m taking only has early year offers and since I have made a mistake on my application, I have, in other words, made a successful attempt at both social and educational suicide.

I am at the lowest of the lowest at the moment, I mean, ‘how did this happen to me? How could I let a slip up happen on my application? Why wasn’t I more thorough when I was filling in my application? You would think that I would double check everything since, I’m so cautious’ (I admit that one!)

These negative thoughts just keep racing in my mind as I sit on the bus home thinking of the mistake that I had done. A mistake that could potentially cost another year of my life…

On my way home, all I could think of was: ‘how do I tell my parents? How would everyone think of me?’ But all I knew was that there had to be a simple explanation for it. I searched and searched and searched but unfailingly didn’t find it.

The lady at the student service just said “there is nothing you can do now. It’s not in your hands. Just pray for the best!”

I was thinking ‘is that all you have to say to me? Just pray?” How do you think I could pray in such conditions? Knowing that you could have stuffed up your future plans just because you weren’t cautious in your uni application.

Resentment. Hurt. Questions. Mystery.

I couldn’t figure it out… until I spoke with my mum (my personal walking, talking, breathing life journal). I told her my situation. I told her that I knew that there was a lesson here for me to learn. I knew that God was teaching me to become a better person but I just couldn’t see how that was going to happen? I mean, here I am, at the lowest point in my life, re-living my situation from 2 years ago (where I wasn’t accepted into any uni) and here I am standing on the 18th day of 2008 and hopeless. I thought to myself ‘if this is just the beginning of 2008, what would I be like at the end of 2008?’ That thought just sent chills down my back…

But I had faith (well, whatever is left of it). I knew that I would overcome this trial. I shared a lot that day with my mum about how God was testing me to see if this course was what I really wanted to do, since I have prayed for the past half year for God’s guidance and reassurance that what I’m doing is right.

Now, I have to 2 weeks where I know God has set aside for me to seek Him, to find out whether this is the course I want to do, to reconnect and have a deeper relationship with Him.

It was hard for me. To think about the future since I had already set in my mind that I will do this, this, and this. But when something like making a mistake on your uni application, does change things, a lot!

I guess, I have learnt that you can plan things, set goals, set standards, and have dreams but always remember to bring it into prayer. Pray for it. Fast for it. Make sure it is really what God wants in your life.

Trust me, I didn’t do any of the things above and look where it got me. I’m blinded by my own hopes and dreams just because I didn’t seek Him. I didn’t find out if this is what God wanted from me.

posted by tephiee @ 10:28 PM