The one of knows me more than anyone else.
Last night I had read an email I received from my Pastor about the work experience in Indo. There maybe difficulties. Upon reading it I was immediately overwhelmed with doubt and worry.I began asking God: 'how could this happen? You had set the path for me, so why is this happening?' I said 'God I have 'jumped' but how come this?'
But amazingly enough a part of my heart was filled with content, peace, joy and surrenderance. This part of my heart which is undescribable was at peace with what was going on. My mind was in turmoil, insecurity and uncertainty but my heart was peaceful.
It was strange but I knew it was Him. I knew that He was trying to tell me something. So I sat there looking at the email. I read it and re-read it. I asked and asked and asked Him what it was He was trying to tell me.
Instantly I was reminded that I was no longer in control, I needed to wait on Him and have FAITH in Him that all will be well. So I decided last night to re-commit myself to Him.
And before I went to sleep last night (trying as hard as I could to lay at rest and trust Him) I was talking to my mum. I've probably mentioned this before but yes my mum is my "journal." I tell her everything to the utmost detail. And she is awesome! She patiently listens and offers her comfort words.
So last night I was talking to her and ended up in tears. In tears not because I was said but in tears because even in times to suffering and doubt God is speaking to me and encouraging me to be stronger.
I had told my mum that I was fine with whatever will happen in Indo. I told her that these days I've felt something stir within me about how possibly my trip to Indo is not about purely the work experience but rather to minister and be IN church. At first I didn't put much thought to it but last night while I was talking to my mum it had all come back to me. I felt as though there was a 'push' for it. I told my mum that I felt as though God was using this 'work experience' thing as an "excuse" for me to go to Indo to something with His people. I don't know exactly what it is but I feel it strongly.
It reminded me of the journey I have endured. I've realised that the things that have happened in my life is all part of His plan for me. Me being apart from my parents for 2 years - I feel these days that I will be apart from my parents again (not when I'm married but before that). Me doing a year 10 career quiz and getting 'religious leader' as the most suited career for me - I feel these days that it's coming back to me. Me doing journalism and my "love" for it has decreased - I'm not dropping out but things are becoming more clearer to me. It's becoming clear as to what I want for me and what God wants for me.
All these things I had discussed with my mum last night. But the one thing that pierced my heart and made me see His way in me was His word for me about going across the lake. You know the Bible story of Jesus calling His disciples to cross to the other side. But they had resisted because they had these excuses. And while I was telling my mum this I was touched by His Spirit and broke down in tears. Tears of revelation poured out.
He revealed to me that all this time I had resisted to go to Indo because of my reasons of getting sick, pollution, traffic etc. And He was showing me that I had used these as excuses. Excuses that have been preventing me from doing His will in me. He showed me that I was like the disciples who were whining to Jesus and resisted crossing.
I realised from here on in that no matter what happens, when He calls for me to cross I NEED to cross no matter how dark, how scary, how hard or sick I will get by crossing I KNOW that He had provided for me all this time, I KNOW that He will continue to provide for me now and in the future.
posted by tephiee @ 12:44 PM
7 Comments:
Coming back from the Christian conference and my short time of mission, I've learned so much about talking to people about Christ.
Maybe God can use your trip to Indonesia to do a short term mission. Use your gifts!
Hope your holidays are great.
nice blog ^^
kapan ke indo-nya ??
hehe lama amat nunggunya.. jln2 aja dl ke indo while waiting for the job..
go to bali =P
Hey B,
It's great to hear from you! I didn't know when you'll be coming back from camp. Hehe..
Thanks for the suggestion. I have this 'feeling' like that's what I'm supposed to do over in Indo - to do some 'mission' which I don't mind doing.
Well hope we can catch up soon! =)
Hey Adi!
I'm leaving for Jkt on the 19th Jan. From my past experiences I don't last very long in Indo so this time I'd like to keep it short. Hehe..
This is what I learned in the past couple months: Not to let my past (good or bad) dictate my action at the present time or future (because I am afraid of what has happened in the past happen/won't happend again). What has happened in the past will be different as our God is moving differently. And He urged me strongly NOT to WORRY, trust fully in Him and walk the path.
This is my battle and I am walking on it with Him on my side, learning not to be too fast and too slow. ^_^
The 'NOT to WORRY' part is ALWAYS the hardest, I think but honestly when we do it (trust Him comepletely) we can see how AWESOME He is!
At times we're side tracked by our emotions, the things we see hear and feel and most of all our reality. And we often FORGET that He is a Spirit that much BIGGER than all the things we face in this world.
Stay strong JoS! You live not by the reality of your condition but rather live in the present with the Spirit whispering His secrets for your life. =)
Yeah thats true, hard but possible! Anyway, 'hard' makes me being sharpen better.. Challenge keeps me awake and closer to Him.
Thanks..!
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