randomz-tephiee

Empty.

Since camp I've felt "lighter" but also "lost." My burdens are much more lighter now. I take things in more lightly, I don't stress over things too much but I feel also at the same time at loss.

I feel like I've lost all of my sense of direction. I know where I'm headed in the sense that I know my purpose but what I'm going through right now doesn't make any sense. I go through things, I go about my daily life but I don't know how I will reach the end. The end meaning my purpose.

I was at my cell group tonight and shared a little about how I was feeling. Mid-way I was nearly in tears. I felt like what I was going through right now was going to get worse. It was going to hurt. But I had to go through it because it is His will. But I question: am I strong enough to go through it? Will I survive?

Answer: I know that I'm not doing it alone. I know that He is with me. He has willed it. He does things for the good of His children.

And so I sit here in tears. In tears partly afraid of the process and partly scared of not knowing what's going to happen.

But I know He's telling me that I need to be 'emptied out.' He's taking all my dreams and what I want and moulding them into His. Just like He said when my Pastor prayed for me. But the process hurts. My dreams to me are like 'children.' Can you imagine being a mother who is separated from her children? I know I'm not a mother but I feel like my experience is similar to that effect.

I'm starting to see that I really have no control over life and over my future. That scares me. But I find comfort in knowing that whatever happens I know that I've surrendered it to Him.

posted by tephiee @ 12:31 AM