Dry & Lost
It has been 4 months since I last blogged. So much has happened. I can't imagine where to begin. I guess I won't. I want to start fresh, new now.______________
As usual I had church today. But what I had been feeling throughout today and yesterday is strange. I'm not quite sure as to what it is but I know I feel: dissatisfied, alone, hurt (to an extent), hollow (inside). I have thoughts of: no one listens, or wants to take the time to listen to me share about things, there's an emptiness that I can't seem to satisfy, I look and I look but I still can't find it.
What is it? Why am I like this? It's like a sick feeling within me that I cannot cure with medicine, money, material things. This hollow, empty feeling resides deep within me. What is it????
So I went to church today, hoping to find resolution, comfort, strength. It helped but not completely. I left church still feeling almost the same as I came. I went about my usual activities on a Sunday...and it wasn't until I was waiting for the bus home.
It was around 4pm, I was in the city, I didn't want to go home just yet. But I didn't know where else to go. So as I waited for the bus, I still had that emptiness feeling in me. I've tired to talk to people who i thought would understand, but the result has come back negative. i keep on falling into this crack: thinking that people/humans can satisfy me, as long as I talk to them they would understand me. However, I am wrong.
As I was waiting and waiting... I was just humming to myself. No specific song but just humming until I felt the Spirit guiding me to a very old song I used to sing at church. I was just humming and humming all the way home.
When I reached home, I told my mother (my walking talking blog) my experiences of these past few days... She told me that it was time that God wanted from me. He wants me to come into His house and praise and worship Him.
It was true. After I put deep thought into it, I realize now that God has allowed me to experience this emptiness, that humans cannot satisfy, because only God can fill it.
To an extent I know that I'm just nervous about an assignment mark that I should be getting soon. And I know that it is evil who is trying to rob me of my peace and joy in Him. My resolution: to keep praising Him despite how I feel because that is how I can face my trials.
Also, I can't seem to talk and make other people understand what I'm experiencing because I am traveling only with God. It is Him who I should be turning and consulting to.
posted by tephiee @ 7:06 PM
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