MOVING FORWARD!!!
I've just arrived home from my church camp that went on for 2 days 2 nights. They were 2 days and 2 nights of awesomeness!!
The camp's theme for this year was
'Moving Forward.' And as usual I didn't know what to expect at these camps. I just prepared an expectant heart.
During this camp I was also rostered to teach Sunday School. That was great! It was kind of like a normal Sunday School class but mixed in with more activities and more fun!
I enjoyed my time with the kids. They really wore me out when we played 'Amazing Race' since I followed them around the whole circuit just in case they might fall or soemthing. By the end of it I was really really tired and I wanted to do was sleep...
At the camp I had learnt upon many things about how to be focused on what is ahead of me, to let myself be free, how the 'shakings' in life only show strength, your life is influenced by the news you hear, start declaring what God has promised us, when you decalre it, you will see it, trials show how much we have grown-we lose heart when we stop trying, you cannot attain the 'new' until you take off the 'old',
you need to be emptied to receive the new and move forward, the increase of faith = facing trials/crisis = emptying of self. I also had an awesome experience with God during the annointing session. As I was waiting for my turn for annointing and even before anyone had prayed for me, I was really into the Spirit. My anticipation for something great had increased.I kept on singing, speaking in tongue and pushing my Spirit to extend all barriers both in the mind and physically (I was tired). I remember as I was praying I saw a black hole and it represented me. I was backslidding into that hole. A hole where I knew if I continued the way I lived, with compromise, I would fall into the black hole deeper and wouldn't be able to get out. So I forced my Spirit to praise and worship Him.
It was then my turn. My Pastor from church had laid his hands on my head and right palm.
The Spirit within me intensified. I couldn't hold on any longer. I broke out. I felt sick. I felt like I wanted to vomit but something came out. My Pastor took his time. He didn't say anything right away. I began to fear. I thought there had been something wrong with me. I remember thinking that but my Spirit told me to let him take his time.
The first words I recalled him saying were
"broken, broken spirit." And when I heard those words they were like piercing swords into my stomach and ringing bells in my ear. My mind immediately knew what was being said but it seemed like my Spirit knew it before and my mind was just catching up.
My Pastor continued to say that
"you have and will continue be broken. It will hurt but you will become better out of it."And we continued to speak in tongue. At this point my Spirit was intensified further. I could feel the pressure rising up to my head. It felt like my head was going to explode. My ears were burning with heat. My mouth wouldn't stop speaking in tongue. My stomach wouldn't stop hurting.
I began to cry harder as the pain (like a turning force in my stomach added with some sharp pokes) in my stomach wouldn't stop. The feeling is indescribable. It was so bad that I kept on bending forward and started to push my fingers into my stomach. I was trying to make the pain go away by pushing force into it. But it didn't work.
During this time I remember my Pastor placing his hands on my stomach and forcing whatever it was in my stomach to get out. Then the pain moved to my upper stomach, just below the chest. I kept on poking at it. I remember my state of mind. I was asking it (whatever the pain was) to go away. I remeber saying (whenever the Spirit let me speak)
"sakit, sakit, ambil, sakit Om, sakit" = 'take it, take it away, it hurts Pastor, it hurts.' And by that time I recall hearing a thump on the ground my Pastor's hands were no longer on my head or right palm. He had fallen to the ground in front of me while he was praying for me.
I physically had opened my eyes for a split second but the speaking in tongue and pain didn't go away. The Pastor's wife came and continued to pray for me. I didn't know what happened. I just remember my Pastor lying on the ground with his hands raaised to the back. [Apprently he was down for a while.]
By this time the pain had moved to my throat and around my neck. It was like as if my throat was tightening up. I couldn't breathe. I tried to rip my shirt off but it didn't. It moved to my throat. I pierced my fingers into throat. I tried to rip my skin off. I was pinching my skin. Still the pain didn't go away.
And throughout this my Pastor (the wife now) was speaking into my hear. She said that the
burden has be taken off you now, you will begin to see what God see, you will do what God does, you will hear what He hears, you will speak like Him etc. And when I heard that I immediately remembered my prayer reqyest for 2009 and that what to hear, see, feel what God hears, sees and feels.I knew it was a confirmation of things that I had prayed and fasted for earlier this year.
I calmed down and retreated to the toilet. In sch confusion yet clarity at the same time I cleaned myself up.
It was an like an unreal feeling. It happened so quick. My mind wasn't able to catch up with my Spirit.
Before I left the camp to go home I greeted my Pastors. My Pastor (the husband) just said
you will be broken so you can rise up and move forward. It will hurt but it's for your own good. The pain that you experienced was the same as the pain I experienced but so much harder. That's why I had fallen. But now you have no burden on you. Just move forward!And with that that's how I concluded my awesome time with God at ROCK Sydney's 2009 Camp 'Moving Forward.'
Oprah and BIG
I was watching Oprah just now and it suddenly reminded me of BIG.
BIG is a campus ministry I got involved in around June/July last year. I initially started becoming involved in BIG because I was on holidays and thought I'd help out with a film project BIG was making.
But after watching Oprah today I realised how amazing God is when He pieces things in my life together.
So the story is last year I was watching an episode of Oprah. It was one of her "giveaway" shows. Her staff was working around the clock in puting this production together. I was touched because Oprah had given away presents to the less fortunate. It made a difference in their lives.
I remember watching that and saying to myself: 'I want to work in a production team. I want to be involved in something like Oprah and bring change to peoples lives.'
AND surprisingly (and of course through God) later that week I got myself involved in BIG's movie production: 'Under the Same Sky.'
I attened regular meetings each week, got involved by getting contacts etc. My role there wasn't that "big." But I worked with what I was assigned to and did the best of my ability. I always took it "light" in the sense that my role was not as big or important as any other but still it was something.
Being in the BIG movie production may not account to something as "big" as working on the Oprah Show but you ahve to start small somewhere right?
And I believe that 'Under the Same Sky' will be a great impact because of the awesome people behind the scences and also the Mighty Power that has and will continue to make the movie and BIG an even bigger success!
And now 9 months later I realise why I had to be there. Why I had to be involved in this movie project, how watching Oprah and wishing to be part of a production team had come true, and how I've made contacts out of it that will be with me throughout my journey.
I realise now that NOTHING ever happens without a reason or purpose.
I may have started working with BIG with an "unclear" vision but now as I step out of it I realise that it was all to show me that whatever I do wish/hope/dream of can happen in a weird/warped kind of way. A way that you may not like or have never thought of before but when you go through it and finish it, you realise how going through it has helped you define your destiny.
I know now that BIG will go down in my history as a stepping stone and a definitive mark that will shape my future.
Miss Independent.
Last Saturday I went out with my high school friends to celebrate my 21st b'day. We had dinner at Kelly's Bondi Junction. One of my friends wanted to go out clubbing in the city but I guess He knew that I didn't want to go out that night.
So on our way to the city my friend in the driver seat decided to take a different turn when my other friend in the other car suggested we go out to play bowling instead.
We had so much fun playing bowling and having drinks. I didn't get wasted. I was fully aware of my surroundings by the end of the night.
I remembered most:
-my friends' song request at the bowling ally: Miss Independent-Beyonce
-the 'happy birthday stephanie' slideshow
-our jokes towards Tarik about the asian in him. (It wouldn't surprise me if one day he ended up hooking up with one.) haha..
-the continuous laughs
-and finally the swarovski cross necklace -> "Because we know you love Christ" my friends say.
What else is there to do in life?
21!!! So I just turned 21 yesterday..
How do I feel?
Empowered, hopeful, positive, content and BOLD.
What do I want to accomplish this year?
Do the best in my studies, bless others through my writing, be a greater impact where ever I am, stepping up my faith, increasing my confidence, living in the moment, and most of all TO HAVE A GOOD TIME IN EVERYTHING I DO!!
I think the greatest change I've seen in myself that also signifies my transition from 20 from 21 is my attitude and outlook on life.
The 20 year old Steph would think too much about the little things, take everything seriously, get overwhelmed with insignificant things too easily.
The 21 year old Steph is now living life in the moment. There is no yesterday or tomorrow for her, just TODAY! She strives to make the most of time by doing things that make her content, not forcing for something that she doesn't like but does it because she know that'll make other people happy but to do things that make her content though it may not suit well with others. But that's Steph being BOLD and chasing down her REVAYAH! =)
I've learnt this through a b'day scripture in Ecclesiastes 3:22, given by a special person who knows me more than any other.
It reads: (The Message Bible)
Humans and animals come to the same end—humans die, animals die. We all breathe the same air. So there's really no advantage in being human. None. Everything's smoke. We all end up in the same place—we all came from dust, we all end up as dust. Nobody knows for sure that the human spirit rises to heaven or that the animal spirit sinks into the earth.
So I made up my mind that there's nothing better for us men and women than to have a good time in whatever we do—that's our lot. Who knows if there's anything else to life?So as I step into the age of 21 I live not wasting away on things that burden me but rather be to be significant in things that make me content. =)
The Aftermath.
Over the past weekend I went on a camp. A camp organised by BIG. At first I was a little critical about going. I thought that I would enjoy myself.
It turns out that I had the most fun there. I learnt alot about myself, about my character and most of all I made heaps of new friends..
I learnt that being successful is not dependent on the material gains but your contentment. How content are you with what you have?
I learnt that I have to be a prisoner of hope and faith.
I learnt that I needed to know the reason why I'm here and chase it down with integrity and boldness = your destiny.
To be successful:
1. make a stand
2. don't be afraid to be in the minority. (stand with conviction)
3. never give up. (be comfortable in your failures because they make you stronger)
And finally through this camp my love for soccer is now re-ignited. Anyone want to play soccer with me? Hehe.. =D
Just be happy.
So I've been a little weird/moody these past few weeks. It's been a combination of things from uni work to ministry to future to plans.
I know I'm not "supposed" to plan anything since I've surrendered but there are some moments when I feel like I need to plan just so I can keep focused.
I feel like this especially when I feel bad about something. I try to make myself feel better by planning things, organizing things. But when I begin to do this, I'm reminded 'your plans will destroy you Steph.'
So here I am at a crossroad of to plan or not to plan. I choose not to plan but it's killing me!
It's killing me because I want to know how things pan out in life. And to make sure I've made the right choices in life.
I know that I'm going through this to learn that:
- I can't be perfect. I need to make those mistakes so I can grow from them.
- I can't always be on top of everything because if on top of everything and I'm good at what I do then what's the point of learning?
- there is always room for improvement. So just stick your chin up throughout the whole "moulding" process.
And most importantly, I need to learn to be content with my own weaknesses. I will always have them and what I can change is working to improve my weaknesses not stop trying to be "perfect." It gets very tiring trying to have it all together. Huuummm...
