What's all the stress for?
I was a total wreck yesterday. I almost broke down last night in my cell group. The pressure of looking for work, not knowing what will happen, not having any plans and starting a new semester at uni was all too much for me.
I wasn't intending to share at cell group but I did and it all come out-my frustration and uncertainty. I think I was so "afraid" because everyone around seems to be doing something and I feel left out, because there is "nothing" I'm working towards because I have no plan.
I was seriously considering finishing my studies and just go into childcare or teaching. I felt strongly that that was my passion but I had to be realistic about my age and the fact that I need to be earning money and not living off my parents.
I guess all that just got to me so I was seriously considering "taking action" and making my own plans. I knew it was wrong because the Holy Spirit reminded me that 'my plans are not His.'
I was so confused last night, I was talking to my cell group leader. She gave me advice-not to do something less than what I'm capable of. She advised me that childcare is a career anyone can do without any "degree" but she reminded me that I will have a degree so don't "shorten" yourself.
I went home "distressed" and spoke to my mum. I told her that I was considering teaching or childcare. I told her that teaching gave me a level of satisfaction more than journalism. She just comforted me and supported me as usual saying that whatever God has planned will happen no matter what I decide.
I asked her to pray for me because I was feeling like there were just clouds and fog in my "vision" and that I couldn't see ahead. I know that God has warned me that He's taking me on a journey where I don't know where I'm going but that He was in control and I just needed to surrender. But I'm learning that I need to be patient because I know myself. I know that when I cannot "see" ahead I start panicking, start thinking and start making plans for myself. But when I do that I know that God is clouding my vision even more. I take a step and then question whether it's right or not because I know that I shouldn't be doing it alone-I need Him.
So this morning I woke and declared that
today is a new day with a new provision. I prayed and cried out to Him.
He simply asked: what is your concern my dear?
I said: I'm frustrated and unsure because I cannot see anything ahead. And because of that I'm taking charge and making my own plans but I know it's wrong.
He said: You don't believe that I can bring your through the unseen? If you cannot believe that I will bring you through the unseen then how can you believe in me because I too am unseen.
I said: *speechless* forgive me Lord.
So what I've learnt:
- no matter what journey He takes you on keep trusting Him
- He will always test your faith and see whether you are true to your word
- no matter what path you take, He will provide and keep you on the right track
- never second guess God's plan for your life
- just because God gave you a "vision" it does not mean you have to be "still" no not do anything and just wait for the "vision" to come to pass. Keep doing what you do and He will lead you into opportunities and connect you to meet the right people for aid the fulfillment of your destiny.
New semester, new challenges...
I had my first class today for this semester. It was television journalism 2. It was quite interesting, exciting and also scary as usual when you start something new.
It sounds like a "hard" subject in the sense that this semester we have to produce a 6-8 minute story and another 8-10 minute one. I guess it sounds "hard" now but when it's done I guess I won't be too difficult.
The teacher is cool. He seems "relaxed" and not quite like the other teachers I've had before. I like his teachings. He said 'I'm not here to teach you but to help you learn.' So that's definitely a different way of looking at education.
Today's class just highlighted to me that life is unpredictable. You'll never what life will throw at you. I;ve come to this "conclusion" after listening to my teacher talk about his experience.
He initially started in a degree in teaching but after a 1 year and half in that he decided he didn't like it so he dropped it. He then worked as a manual labourer and was out of school for 3 years until a friend of his from Charles Sturt Univeristy suggested that he should go and study journalism at Charles Sturt. He asked his friend why he should do and his friend just said 'you like to read and write so go study it.' My teacher explained how he thought about how he couldn't be a manual labourer all his life and needed to do something else. So the next day he went and enrolled at Charles Sturt and after attending their classes for 2 months he knew that he loved journalism and wanted to pursue a career in it.
His "lesson" for us was life will take you on a journey through obstacles and courses but in the end it will take you to a 'place' you enjoy-your career.
This got me thinking about my current situation. I'm studying journalism but I know that journalism is not something I want to pursue. Even if I did push for it, I'd like to do documentary style productions rather than straight journalism.
And it reminded me of what I really wanted to do and I remembered as friend of mine who always said that she could see me as a teacher or someone who worked in the church-ministry. And just 2 weeks ago I was teaching at Sunday School and a new teacher was observing our class. At the end of class he came up to me and asked if I had studied teaching and when I told him I was studying journalism he was quite "amazed." He thought that I had some background in teaching because he said I had handled the children really well. I took this as a compliment and it had stuck in mind ever since.
And especially when my teacher said that watch those who observe you and suggest to you what path to take. I mean at the end of the day you are the one making the decision about your life but those around you can support and probably see from an outside point of view what suits you more.
So start taking note of what people see in you-I mean in the positive way. You never what life throws at you but again when you know who you are in Him, things that don't make sense will be made sense to you and things that have been trusted into your life will come to pass despite what people say about your life.
Remember it's about the journey you're on and the destiniation your are headed towards.
R E S T
I was so blessed by the sermon tonight at Youth. It really spoke to my heart and I now believe that everything in my life does happen for a reason.
Tonight I've learnt that 'rest' is part of God's plan because it's teaching us to surrender all of our wants, desires and abilities to Him.
During these holidays I hadn't been doing productive or "useful" and I've now understood that it's part of a 'resting time.' And that time is the time when after you recieve God's plan and vision for your life, you don't need to strive or work for it to happen, rather it is your 'rest time' and it is the time for God to do the work and make the vision come to pass in your life.
And the most important thing to know throughout this process is that we need to have the correct knowledge and the right attitude.
And to have His knowledge is more than enough for me because my fulfillment and satisfaction is Him alone.
What are you made of?
I was listening to my Pastor preach last night about 'experience'. As part of a series of teachings titled: 'The High Calling of God' my Pastor shared about what is 'experience' and how 'experience' is related to God's calling.
He shared:
- experience is developed and comes out of challenges God will make upon the building stone of our consecration
- bad experience is when our wants are not fulfilled or aligned with His but there is no such thing as 'bad experience' because it is written in the Bible that God works for the greater good of His children
- experience is a tool used by God to bring us to greater heights.
So if we ask for more of His blessings, we are asking for problems (experience)- experience is progressive. The bigger the annointing and plan, the bigger problem
- Jesus experienced times in the wilderness. Luke 4: 1-2
- wilderness = experience. If Jesus had to experience, how about us?
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God will never trust His annointing unto someone until they have been "crushed" and no until no more individual agenda is in us- experience includes the bad ones- go through the experience even when it hurts or when the situation is not well because at the end of it you will be catapulted into new levels and into the fulfillment of God's plan
- David gained experience in trials. His opposition grew from small to large, from lions and bears to Goliath.
Just like our problems, they grow after each victory but defeat is not our destiny, victory is!- Paul spoke of gaining experience through tribulations. Romans 5: 3-5
- an experience with God is costly but worth it!- problems and trials train our endurance for the road ahead is long and arduous.And this sermon somehow struck my heart. It spoke to my Spirit right from the beginning. It was a true reflection of what I was going through at the moment about the 'experience' journey I'm having with God.
I feel He's taking me on a journey where it's full of experiences that are 'pruning' me from all my wants and desires and dreams. Each step that I'm taking is making it more obvious what God has called me to do, which is about ministry and writing and Indonesia.
I was at home the other day and the Holy Spirit reminded me how back in 2004, at the end of year 11 I had a strong feeling in my heart that drew me to Indonesia and its people. I remember telling my high school friends that if I didn't get the DHL Scholarship I would not continue onto university after high school but I would go to Jakarta and work/volunteer at my aunt's church. I remember having such a strong feeling in my heart that drew me to the people of Indonesia and at that time I never really understood what it meant.
Until a few days go. The Holy Spirit reminded me of that feeling back then and God's promise and words for me at the beginning of this year where He said I will be used to bless churches in Indonesia. And after that everything just came back to me. I knew that when God speaks He will reveal its truth in His time. So when He speaks and you don't understand just take it and keep it in your heart and He will make you understand in due time.
So I've learnt that it's experience that makes me who I am. Over every trial and tribulation I understand myself more and His plans are made more clearer after the 'experiences'. So if I was to choose whether to live by the "theory" or by the "experience" I'll choose the "experience." Don't be afraid and go for the ride!
The words that bring light to my path...
Psalm 105: 15-19
I got these verses during my devotional time last Friday. (I hadn't gotten around to posting about it. Hehehe)
As I was reading the above verses, God revealed to me how what Joseph had experienced is what I am experiencing. Joseph was in the "preparation" stage for 13 years through trial after trial but he made it through the process and was assigned the "right hand man" to the Pharoah.
Here, the words 'shackle' and 'glory' popped up as I was reading the verses. The Spirit taught me that Joseph's pain and process were his shackles but his glory had come when the word of God came to pass in his life.
Here I learnt that when God promises and places visions in your life, you will experience a process/preparation stage. And in this stage we may not understand why we need to go through it or we don't see how it will help us fulfill our calling. But let's learn from Joseph's life. God had spoken into his life, gave him a dream and a vision for the future but he had to pay the price through imprisonment and many other things but in the end God's word came to pass and glory was restored.
I've learnt to be patient in the process and preparation stage. I know that's where I'm at at the moment and I know that slowly but surely everything that God has promised to me, the visions and words will come to pass just as it was for Joseph.
Live each day in content because your blessing is enough for one day.
Last week was the Hillsong Conference 2009. I didn't buy any tickets but was fortunately blessed to go for free when my uncle's friend had unused tickets.
The conference started on the Tuesday night and through to Friday night. I wasn't able to go on Wednesday because I had my learner's driving test and in the evening I had cell group so I went on the Thursday. The day Joel Osteen was to preach. It was awesome!!! I knew that God had pulled all the stops in getting me to Hillsong Conference on that Thursday. From the beginning of the day until the end I was really blessed and so many things had been revealed to me. Things that really opened my eyes to the greater picture. I never knew how much a conference could change a life but I learnt that it wasn't the conference that brings change because it's only a platform for change to happen. But it's God's spirit that moves us to cause the change.
I had previously posted about how I had been uncertain and unhappy I was with my life in general. I didn't what was going on with me. I didn't have any "purpose" in my life because I was afraid of God's word for my life earlier this year: 'your plans are not my plans. Your plans will destroy you.' And because of this I have been afraid of doing anything. I was afraid of planning to the extent that I was "waiting still" for the word of God to happen in my life.
But I recently realised that when God speaks into your life it doesn't mean we have to be still and do nothing and be afraid and wait until God works to make His word happen in our lives. But rather we must do what we can and God will lead us into the fulfillment of His word.So I'm now taking charge and not "sitting" around and waiting for His word to happen in my life but rather be active in looking into ways to make His promise come to life in me.
So what did I learn at the Hillsong Conference?
First service:
- a great leader's constant companion is pain- because of pain we tend to avoid the ministry God had called us into
- 2 Corinthians 11: 23-28 -> Paul: besides all the physical pain pain, Paul had the daily burden of the churches on his shoulders
- we in the ministry may have daily burdens for our church
- the difference of where you are and where God wants you to be causes us to endure "unwilling pain"
The 3 points from Ps. Craig Groeshel's sermon:
1. God wants to increase the threshold of pain, rejection so we can enter into higher levels.
- If you're not being criticized/persecuted then you're not following Christ- May God increase our threshold for pain and criticism
- The quickest way to forget what God says about us is by listening to what others say about us- Have the attitude: I can't please everyone but I can please God.
- Don't be afraid of being criticized but be afraid when you're not being criticized for what you're doing in you're ministry => this is a leader- you are called by God to go up but people tend to pull you down but remember that your "hall pass" is the Bible and be confident in saying " I am on a mission from God."
> I have been thinking alot about my ministry in Sunday School lately. I feel as though I speak up for change but nothing really happens because the opposing and negative side is overpowering me. I feel as though I'm "belittled" because my "vision" is too drastic and too hard to achieve. But after listening to this sermon, God reminded me of who I am in Christ. I have been called as a leader (just as my name 'Stephanie' describes: a leader with queenly actions, she flows into a room and people take notice, energetic and enthusiastic, she is eager to complete a task and giver her all, agreeable, witty and knowledegable, thinking before she speaks or acts, one knows her by her ever present smile and her desire to please.) And my baptism name: Deborah, a prophetess, a judge and a military leader all in one - a powerful triple combination of authority and responsibility held by only two other Israelites, Moses and Samuel.
> I believe that a name has a purpose and I choose to believe that everything above will come to pass for the glory of God. And as my names describe I know that I should not be afraid because I am on a mission from God.
2. God wants to increase your threshold of pain in making difficult decisions.
- in our ministry we are often faced with a situation where difficult decisions need to be made but look forward to the greater plan.
- for businesses their bottom line is money but our bottom line is the Kingdom of God- sometimes we have to step into the pain and make the decision to "remove" that one problem for the greater good of the ministry and for them too
- step into the pain of obedience rather than the comfort of disobedience3. God wants to increase the threshold pruning.
- God maybe pruning us and it hurts
- God maybe doing more pruning in you before He can work through you- sometimes God takes you backwards so you can move
forward- 1 Peter 4:16 -> when you suffer for the name of God don't whine but praise His name.
His sermon really spoke to my heart about my ministry in Sunday School. It cleared up alot of my concerns about my ministry and gave me answers to my questions.
Ps. Joel Osteen's words opened my eyes most about my life, what I'm going through at the moment and where I'm headed. I learnt:
- you'll never see yourself any higher until you look into yourself and see the person you want to see. [Here I have to learn to believe that the person God has called me to be is true and start putting my faith in it.]
- God wouldn't put you into situations or places or jobs or a calling unless He knew you could do it. [I must start believing that everywhere I am placed, I am placed there for a reason. He never makes the wrong decisions, we do.]
- I'm too blessed to be stressed!!!- get your mind in the right direction each day because your life will follow your vision. [Must learn to fill the mind with positivity and faith in my vision.]
- our visions are bigger than our resources. [When we think we can't do it because we have no resources He will come and provide.]
- see your vision and speak words of faith into it. [Start throwing words of faith into my visions and it will surely come to pass.]
- prove to be faithful in the wilderness and then you'll be taken into the promised land. [When I can prove to be faithful through every trial I am sure the Lord will bring me into the fulfillment of my destiny.]
- the deeper your roots are the higher you will grow.
- put action behind your faith.
- I wouldn't be breathing today unless God has another victory He has decided for me to win!!!!And most eye opening revelation for me was learning that I am currently in the "process/preparation stage" in my life. When Ps. Joel Osteen was telling us the story about him serving in his father's church for 17 years in the production side of their television program. He shared with us about how God had placed him 'behind the scenes' and editing his father's sermons every week, listening to the sermon 7-8 times to cut it down and finally after 17 years he knew what was going on. God had placed Joel 'behind the scenes' to listen to his father's sermons and preparing Joel for the pastoral role. Joel shared about how he didn't go to Bible school but listening to his father's sermons thousands of times had become his background.
From this the Spirit taught me:
- that I'm at that stage now. I'm in the process stage where all my wants and desires are being "pruned." And in replacement I'm growing and maturing in His desires and wants for my life.
- that all the media work I have learnt from uni from editing video to podcast to everything production is to prepare me to work in the media production side in my ministry. For example my Pastor's book project is preparation for me to maybe write my own book some day.
And through all the things I've learnt through the conference, I know that I am called, I can do everything He has called me to do, when He speaks it will surely come to pass. And in the meantime until His word comes to pass just be content with today's blessing!
She's hitting the road...
I woke up today and looked out the window and saw a big, bright rainbow outside. I knew today was going to be a great day! And it was! I passed the test without getting any wrong!
I finally stirred up enough courage to go out and get my Learner's driving licence today. I know it has been a long time coming. I remember back when I was in high school and all my friends were out getting their licence and here I am 4 years later I get mine. Hehehe..
I guess I was "motivated" to get it after listening to last Sunday's sermon about learning to say "I can do it" and to believe that it's not from my own strength but by the strength of the Lord.
I know getting your licence is something "small" when compared to other greater things but learn to start from the small things/obstacles and overcome them and you will slowly see that you have the strength and courage to overcome the "giant" in front of you.
Things are made sense when you think everything is going all wrong...
I've been a little "depressed" lately. I haven't been motivated much to do anything. I've been wasting my days being unproductive and living an unhealthy life both physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
I knew I had to get out of this "rut" real quick. And as always God is a God of detail and timing. His time is never too late or too early.
My uncle, who also is a Pastor, is on holidays and is visiting Sydney for an upcoming conference. I've spent the past week with him just talking and sharing and listening to him preach.
It has brought me back to "life." The messages that God is telling me through my uncle's preachings has made me open my eyes and understand why I'm at the stage I am at the moment and why I have to go through these things even if I don't like them.
Through his preachings God has reminded me that He has never left me. And that everything I am going through at the moment God had already foretold me (from Ps. Michel's preaching at KM last year in Mark 4 about crossing to the other side to my vision at the beginning of this year of 'calm before the storm') and so I am "supposed" to be calm and just obey Him but instead I've been made insecure, angry and upset at God and His plan, which has led to the robbery of my joy and peace.
But now as I'm reminded of His great Word, promises and plans for me I am not shaken but I am alive and ready to move onto the next level.
Over the past few days I've learnt through my uncle's preachings that:
- I need to keep God in my focus and not be disappointed because of my situation and reject Him, but rather to embrace Him through the difficult times.
- Whatever the storm we are in God never sleeps.
- If God wills it to happen in my life, I need to open my heart and go through the process for in the end He is still God and is in control of the storm.
- When we are afraid, we are disabled.
- How many miracles and answered prayers does God need to prove to me that He is in control?
- When you trust the Word of God, the Word of God will minister to you.
- Joshua 21:45 -> His promises will be fulfilled!!!
- God's word and promises are not to burden our lives but rather it is for our goodness.So whatever you're facing at the moment, be still and trust that He is still in control! Though it may not make sense now in His due time it will be made known in the most unexpected and unusual ways.
