Learning so much...
I went to church this morning and the sermon was spot on! I mean in terms of what I have been experiencing lately. Each day I feel my steps are being made clear by His hands. He's opening the doors to His plans and closing the doors to my plans. This leaves me with just blind faith, obedient heart and hope for the best.
Today the sermon was about 'why do we need to experience purification?'
1. fear of the Lord
2. don't mess around with His grace
3. character building
4. God's plans to be fulfilled in our lives.
Through this sermon I learnt:
- that my desires are being replaced by His. And He is closing the doors to my desires by making things harder for me. For example: doing journalism was something I wanted to do-particularly tv journalism but I've known that He has planned for something else in my life. But unless He closes the doors I would probably never walk in His plan and do as He says. So I'm appreciative of the closed doors and excited for the doors He is about to open in my life.
- the "hardships" I experience now is a process where I learn that He is bringing me to the next level.
- to have a "servant" heart. To be obedient to my leaders and to do things not for other people but for Him.
- purification = process = heading to the fulfillment of God's plan.
* Sleep with a dream, wake up with reality *So all in all I know where my place is and it is in His plan. I'm learning not to worry or stress over what people think about me. I'm here to fulfill my calling and it's such an enjoyable journey that I'm just following His script.
Amazing!!!
Crazy week!!! The crazy climax started to build from Wednesday, it peaked on Thursday and on Friday I knew why these things were happening and by Saturday everything had been "confirmed."
So I'm in my final week of uni for this semester. It has been crazy! (I know I've repeated it a few times now but seriously it has been CRAZY!)
[Recap]
Wednesday: I had to work on my group TV story/assignment. Had experienced some troubles with the edits. Went off to work on my radio story/assignment. I was in the editing room alone and was just stressing out. I decided to write on my Facebook status about needing His hands to help me through these difficult times. And immediately I had received a post from my cousin. She sent me the verse Zec 4:6 which says it is not by my own strength but by the Spirit I can do all things. After reading that my Spirit was lifted. My mind was renewed. I knew that I could do all things because He was guiding me. So I survived that day with that verse.
Thursday: Went off to edit TV story/assignment. Again having troubles. I think it's just the story is not fitted to "tv." It was hard looking for relevant footage to use. And by this time I had been panicking. I had a 3000 word essay, 1 radio story and 1 tv story to do within the next week! I was afraid I wouldn't be able to do it.
I called my tutor about my essay and asked for an extension. And Praise Him I got it. S I didn't have to worry too much about that for now.
So by that time I went off to work on my radio story. I was mildly calm at this point. I was working on my radio script.
Friday: Went to shoot more footage for my tv story/assignment. Again I didn't feel confident about this story. I really didn't feel confident about journalism as a whole by this point. Went off to work on radio story again until 6pm. I was pretty happy with my radio so far. So I went to church (KG) at 7pm on Friday. But I was tempted to go home and rest. I was pretty tired by this stage. But my heart and Spirit was telling me to go to His temple and seek His face in times of difficulty. So I forced myself to go despite my body telling no!
But it was awesome!! I knew immediately why I was there at church after being so tired. From the praise and worship I knew He was telling me something. That was:
- the praise and worship leader said that God had spoke to her about 'stirring' the congregation. I knew that God was telling me that I needed to stir my Spirit in these times. In times of when I feel down, tired and stressed.
- I needed to come back to Him. I need to stop getting busy with uni work and don't use excuses to "run away" from Him.
- God is serious and was drawing me back to Him.
- We had sung a song where the lyrics read: "open up the skies, fall down like rain. We don't want blessings, we want you. Open up the skies, fall down like fire. We don't want anything but you."
- That song made me and my Spirit realise that really nothing else matters in this world except Him. We live not to impress other people but to impress Him!
- All this time I've been stressing and worrying about my life, my uni and the things around me that causes me to be distracted from what is really important, which is Him.
The most important thing I had learnt that Friday was that He was reminding me of His work in me. That my "journalism" was for His gospel. He didnt't want me to do things in mainstream media but do it for His Kingdom. He told me that the things that I do at uni are only preparations for what He has prepared for me. And I will be experiencing more "setback" (worldly view) in my "journalism" just so God can show me that really my life is not in "journalism" for the world but "journalism" for Him.
He definitely was reminding me of my place in His plan. And I needed to be secure in that and not be swayed with circumstances.
I ended that night with an even clearer vision, a stronger Spirit and a hopeful and expectant heart for what lies ahead...
My life is a book.
I've been "lost" lately. From my previous posts, I've written about how I can't see clearly (spiritually) and how it's "annoying" me. I realised today that everything I'm going through God has already prepared me for or at least He has already told me.
I was praying today for unwavering strength from Him and He made me understand that all the prayers, visions, and feelings from the past half year has all led up to this. This feeling of uncertainty, blurred sight, yet hopeful future.
I was reminded of:
- God's message through Pastor Michel: God is writing, give Him the pen. Just let it go and let Him write.
- the vision of me jumping off the cliff with no safety harness. He asked me to 'free fall into Him.'
- the vision of 'calm before the storm.' 2009 is the year of "process" for me.
- the prayer that my writing will bless others. That all stems from experience and so I experience all this so I can be a blessing for others.
- God's message through Pastor Sam: you will be broken. God has taken away all my dreams and desires. I have nothing left. I am empty and is ready for His dream and His desires.
- the vision of me driving down the road with a foggy window. I'm sitting in the car seat yet I'm not steering the wheel. I can't see anything. I don't know where I'm going but I know that the destination is His plan. The destination is not important. It's the journey and trusting Him that counts.
- I've lost my desire to pursue a career in journalism. I realise this is part of the 'emptying' out. I know that's not my place and that my place is wherever He wants me to be at.
All this is summed up in one chapter - Psalm 86: 1-17. I read this today and I realised how amazing He is. As I am walking that path, experiencing all this, He has already told me what to do and He has already set out the outcome. It's all written in the greatest book of all-The Bible.
So I realise my life is like a book. He is the writer and I'm the main character.
Walking with blind faith!
Before I went off to sleep last night, I prayed. I was in tears already from writing the last post and it continued as I prayed.
It wasn't very clear.
My state of mind was unclear. But I knew I had to say it out loud.
I just prayed that whatever that lies ahead of me, whatever it is that awaits me I choose to be obedient and faithful to His calling.
No matter how much it may hurt me, I choose to trus Him.I surrender all of me into Him. I have no control.
I was at
peace with my decision and prayer.I went off to a seminar/talk/expo today. It was a talk by leading journalists/future employers about a career in journalism.
The things they were talking about were pretty much the thing you've already heard in uni.
The only things that struck me most I guess were:
-they advised us to
write about things that we are passionate about.
I thought about this for quite a bit. I figured and decided that what I passionately like to write about is about Him and my journey with Him.
-
I felt like a shoe that didn't quite fit in.I was in a hall full of journalists but I didn't feel like "home." I didn't feel like that was where I was supposed to me.
I felt like my interest in journalism had started to die away...Slowly and (becoming less painfully) gone... I thought: is this what it means to be 'emptied out?' Is this what it feels like to have all your hopes and dreams taken?Right now I have nothing. Nothing in the sense that I'm empty. I look forward to the future but I don't exactly know what the future is in terms of my goals/dreams etc. All I know is that I'm headed towards somewhere with Him guiding me through it.
I'm beginning to understand now the whole
'I will be broken' and 'my plans are not His plans' and 'blind faith.'He's changing the way I see things, the way I perceive things. And I know He's teaching me to see things His way. And I'd rather choose to see things His way than any other way. So I guess in a way there is nothing I should be fearful of, right?
Empty.
Since camp I've felt "lighter" but also "lost." My burdens are much more lighter now. I take things in more lightly, I don't stress over things too much but I feel also at the same time at loss.
I feel like I've lost all of my sense of direction. I know where I'm headed in the sense that I know my purpose but what I'm going through right now doesn't make any sense. I go through things, I go about my daily life but I don't know how I will reach the end. The end meaning my purpose.
I was at my cell group tonight and shared a little about how I was feeling. Mid-way I was nearly in tears. I felt like what I was going through right now was going to get worse. It was going to hurt. But I had to go through it because it is His will. But I question: am I strong enough to go through it? Will I survive?
Answer: I know that I'm not doing it alone. I know that He is with me. He has willed it. He does things for the good of His children.
And so I sit here in tears. In tears partly afraid of the process and partly scared of not knowing what's going to happen.
But I know He's telling me that I need to be 'emptied out.' He's taking all my dreams and what I want and moulding them into His. Just like He said when my Pastor prayed for me. But the process hurts. My dreams to me are like 'children.' Can you imagine being a mother who is separated from her children? I know I'm not a mother but I feel like my experience is similar to that effect.
I'm starting to see that I really have no control over life and over my future. That scares me. But I find comfort in knowing that whatever happens I know that I've surrendered it to Him.
