Steph is going crazyyyyy...!!!
So this week has not been a very good week for me! Since my birthday I've been faced and tested with trial after trial. Trial in terms of relationships, work, familial, ministry wise. It seems everything I do is turning inside out and upside down... I'm getting tired of it. I feel like as I have surrendered my all, I'm losing control and it's 'killing' me! I know I've made the decision to give it all to God-my finances, my relationships, my work etc. But it's getting so hard for me... I often find myself frustrated at myself and upset. And this affects the people around me. I have a feeling that when we do what is right and what God wants us to do. When we 'empty' ourselves for Him, we are 'at loss' and have no control over anything. And that's me now. I know I'm undergoing a 'character restructure' but it hurts and I'm tired but I'm choosing to see the crown of life! I'm choosing to see His Kingdom be established in me!
So guys please keep me in your prayers! Thank you! =)
Gift of friendship
Just came home from dinner with my high school friends. It was a lovely evening of eating, chatting and laughing. I always enjoy my time hanging with them!
And this is a gift they got me.
If you remember last year they got me a necklace with a cross, which I love and have treasured!
Want to see me 22 years ago?! Hahaha...
I got home from work today and was shocked to find this on my desk!
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Can you imagine when I got home it was dark and everyone was at my aunt's house. I was surprised and a little scared to see this photo that I have never seen before on my desk!
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But to my amazement after asking my mum it turns out she was cleaning out her old things and came across this. And wanted to give it to me.
So guys, that was me 22 years ago... Hehehe...
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Investing in God's Kingdom
21 April 2010
So I've made the commitment to invest $1500 for a school in Jakarta. It'll start with kindergarten classes in a very poor suburb in Jakarta. Already there are about 20 potential children! I'm quite excited!! We've started to buy seats and a banner for the school.
Please keep this 'project' in your prayers! May His provision be upon it!
I've learnt from this new experience:
-Live+give big=recieve big!
-Live extraordinarily=receive extraordinarily!
I'm touched...
So last Sunday while I was in church service my sister dropped by my seat to pass me an envelope. I didn't want it was. She just said that "it's from Joey and the twins." So I just left it unopened until after church.
As I was walking to lunch with my cousin Grace, I opened the envelope. The outside was already full of love! I didn't even have to open it and I was already touched!!!
Then I opened the card and it was full of well wishes and blessings from my Kidz Church students, teachers and ex-Kidz Church students.
My Kidz Church kids who didn't write much except their name was more than enough for me! I felt their sincere well wishes and that was priceless!!
So thank you Edward, Edwin, Joey and everyone who signed the card!! I loved it!! =D
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Birthday message
My Pastor (wife) gave me these verses for my 22nd birthday.
Proverbs 31:25-26
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
Ephesians 5:17
Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is.
May these scriptures be light for my path and never depart from my heart, mind and spirit.
Come and sit with me my dear...
My church pastor prayed for my birthday last night after church service. He prayed that in my new year God's heart will br mine, what He sees I see, what He hears I hear, what He speaks I speak. That was my exact prayer (through my fasting last year. I guess it is true about the father (Spiritual father in this case) knowing what is the desire of their child) Anyways, then God spoke through Him. My Pastor said: I see you running all the time and God wants you to stop and rest in Him. He wants you to stop your activities and reflect on His word. He wants you to build your relationship with Him. Spend more time with Him. Delve more into Him. Because God says He is ready to show you His visions if you seek Him. This year is important for you that's why don't waste time and truly seek Him.
After the prayer my Pastor just confirmed with me about what God wants from me. He says God wants me to stop from my busy activities and just sit with Him and ponder His word and ways. The keyword being 'ponder.' For when I do that God will show His visiobns to me!!! How exciting!!! God wants me to be with Him more!! I'm real excited!!!
I believe that even before God speaks to us through people around us like our Pastors He has already spoken to us! Our Pastors only confirm it. I know that God has asked me to slow down and last night was a confirmation.
But by slowing down does that mean letting go of my activity? Which one? Uni, work, ministry? Uni cannot be altered. Work I am cutting down my hours. Ministry? Possibly? But I love my ministry! I would love to teach all the time and it's good for me. But as I say this I remember; we have to cut off the good things (good according to us) just so we can get the BEST things from God!!
So I'm not 100% sure as to what activity I have to let go just so I can focus more on Him. I perhaps have to consult my leaders and even my Pastor again. But foremost is to pray and seek His directive.
So God I ask you now how shall I slow down??!!
I'm sorry but I have to let you go...
As I approached my 22nd b'day I learnt 2 things.
1. God wants me to not get involved in a relationship. Meaning though I'm 22 years old, it's not the time to be in a relationship. So no boyfriend! So it's quite hard for me hard to 'let' go of my feelings for this one guy I've grown to like. But God knows the best! I have to let go of the good so I can get the best even if I think that this guy is the best for me it means letting go of the guy you like. But I'm learning to refocus onto Him and surely when I do He will give me the very best according to my vision and also the guy's!!
I feel secure in letting this guy go because I know that God has great things installed for both this guy and I to do (perhaps seperately). And I'm willing to lay down my feelings for him for us to grow individually in Christ, fulfilling God's call and then maybe if God wills it then we shall 'meet' again... Hhhmmmppphhh...
2. I've learnt that the greatest gift I can and have received for my 22nd birthday is the support, prayer and encouragement from my family and friends! I remember when the clock struck 12midnight on 14 April and my ex-neighbour and very good friend called me to wish me happy birthday! He prayed for me, which was very heartfelt!!! Then he asked me what I wanted for my birthday and all I said was 'your prayer is enough for me! Your prayer is the best gift!'
And that's when I realised that there is no other gift that can beat the gift of a prayer!!
So thank you my dear family and friends for your prayers, support and encouragement! It's priceless!!!
I know what I want for my birthday....
So after receiving God's Word and revelation for me this year I can only see fitting that the "perfect" birthday gift for me (since my birthday is the 15th April!! hehehe) is a video camera!
I want a video camera NOT for myself but truly for the work of God. I want to be able to record and make a documentary while I'm in Indonesia. And it would be great to have a camera to do so!
So what I want for my birthday is nothing for me but ALL for HIM!
And I've been going around to all my family and telling them that a video camera is all I want for birthday! hehehe... And I'm just sharing this "piece of information" to you guys because I believe one day all my blog entries will become a book and so everything that happens in me will be documented somehow - i.e this blog! =)
The clarity of His voice brings both joy and sadness...
On the final night of the Conference Pastor Christine Caine had preached about "God's assignment" and the "alarm clock." She shared about how God has given us an "assignment" or called us to do something but all this time we've just be sitting around and wasting time by pressing the "snooze button" of our "alarm clock" (representative of God's assignment) because we say 'God, I don't have the time!' or 'God I'm not married yet!' or 'God my kids are still young!' and all sorts of excuses are "thrown" His way just so we can "justify" our act to hit the snooze button.
That night the preaching really got me about what my "assignment" was and where am I at the moment in "completing" that "assignment."
I felt the Spirit that night remind me of my call for Indonesia ("break my heart for what breaks Yours") and that night after the preching and prayer time I came to the conclusion that I had to live radically for Him otherwise there was no point!
God spoke to me personally on a level I have never experienced before! It was amazing! During the preaching His Spirit confronted me about how the whole world is "groaning" for help but we (the children of God) are just sitting on our bottoms and doing nothing to bring relievement and salvation. I learnt that I need to seek foolishly for God and His will. I need to just do it no matter what people say! I want to be foolish for no one else but God!
But the most intimate and revealing conversation I've had so far with God was that night when Pastor Christine asked us to pray and to respond to the "assignment" God has given us.
So I just took that time to pray and earnestly seek His will for me. I spoke a simple prayer: 'God do what you want in me. You know this year is a pivitol year for me in that I will be graduating from uni and will ahve to start work. I truly want to seek Your will and let it be done in me this year! I will not leave this place until I receive a clear directove from you!'
And after saying that prayer this was my "conversation" with God:-
GOD: What are you going to do in July this year?
STEPH: I'm going to Indonesia because 2 of my cousins are getting married.
GOD: What else do you plan to do?
STEPH: I want to travel to Malaysia and Thailand because I haven't been there and would love to go!
-- And through my Spiritual eyes I could see my hand writing the words 'Malaysia' and 'Thailand' --
GOD: I don't want you to go to there.
-- And God's hand holding an eraser stared to erase the my writing 'Malaysia' and 'Thailand' --
STEPH: What are you doing God? Why are you rubbing it out?
GOD: Because I don't want you to go there.
STEPH: Why not?! I have every right to go! I have worked hard, even working 6 days a week just so I could save my money and travel! I deserve to enjoy that holiday!
GOD: I just don't want you to go! This is not the time.
STEPH: Oke Lord, let's just say I agree with you and not go to Malaysia and Thailand, so what do you want me to do with the money I have saved up? It's quite a large sum of money.
GOD: I want you to use it in Indonesia only. I want you to use it to bless churches and children in Indonesia!
-- I "freaked" out! (to say the least!) I "screamed" in Spirit (though dismally because I knew that when God wants something from us there is no way out and we just have to obey but I just tried anyway for the sake of it) --
STEPH: Why are you doing this???!!! Don't you think I deserve to have fun and enjoy all that I've worked hard for?! I've saved all that money with my "blood, sweat and tears!!!" It's not a "small" amount of money (for me) God!! How could you do this to me? I want to use that money to travel because it's my own, I didn't ask $1 from my parents and now YOU want to take it away?! (Though knowing full well God's Word about where your wealth is there is your heart and i knew that God was testing me whether I truly loved Him and not my money)God don't you know that I would love to travel? That is one of my goals. Does that not count anymore? Do my goals not matter to You anymore?
*we had to end the "conversation" there because the Conference had ended but I knew my Spirit was not done yet "arguing with the Lord so I continued when I got home. I shared with my mum and as I shared with her the Spirit just kept spilling over me with tears of laughter and joy and His revelations wouldn't stop!* (So this is the continuation of my "conversation" with God while I was sharing with my mum.
GOD: Yes Stephanie I do acknowledge your passion and goal to travel the world. I know how much you would love to travel and because I know how much it means to you I want to give it to Myself! You will travel the world one day free because someone is going to bless you with a free ticket! That's how much I love you that I want you to travel and experience the world because of ME and because of who I am in you and not because of your own "blood, sweat and tears" (as you say)
-- Just fell into Holy Spirit laughter and honestly almost disbelief --
STEPH: Really Lord? You would actually do that for me? You love me that much that you want to give what I want?
GOD: Yes, just believe! Just as My Word stands true for Pastors you've heard stories about expense-free travel, you too will have that!
-- Cries in excitement and overflowing with love and thanksgiving --
STEPH: So what do you want me to do in Indonesia?
GOD: Use the money you have saved up to bless churches and children there. Teach whatever you can and start laying down the foundations for continual blessings between Indonesia and Australia (God's call for me from 2009). Because the contentment and joy I have prepared for you when you fulfill My call is much more rewarding than a holiday to Malaysia or Thailand or any sum of money!
*END OF CONVERSATION*
And that's when I knew exactly what I had to do for this year. It was not traveling and filling my "human desires" with temporary things but rather to do the will of the Lord, which will being me more content and joy than amount of money can bring!
And after more prayers and intimate talks with God, He revealed to me what He wants from me and how to go about it. I knew how my journalism was going to be used to do God's will and His Word for me and that was to make a documentary about children in Indonesia and how they live and how we in the "affluent" world can help these kids receieve basic necessities. I knew then that all my media related skills were not going to a waste because He is going to use it in combination with my passion-kids and teaching. The teaching comes into play when I teach the kids whatever I can from english to basic reading, writing, counting etc.
So am I exicted for 2010?! Yes!!! Am I scared?! No because whatever He has planned for me I believe is good and having Him on my side I know that there is nothing against me! (Plus during this year's retreat God's message for me was: 'I have placed you on the path you walk now. I am with you all the way!' (How awesome is out God?! He reassures us all the time!)
So I just ask all my friends, yes that means YOU! to keep me in your prayers and truly may the will of the Lord be done in all our lives just like it is in heaven! =)
....Rewind to 1 month ago...
About a month ago I went to Hillsong Colour Conference. It was amazing! Session after session I was electrified by God's revelation, His Word and His presence.
The highlights of the Conference (and after) included:
- when I got home from the 2nd night of Conference I remember sharing with my mum about the message and how excited I was about what God was doing in life. And suddenly as I kept on sharing with her I felt His Spirit say to me 'you will begin to speak and live things that have never passed your mind!' I knew that as I opened my mouth His Spirit was just filling my lips with words and revelations that had never crossed my mind before. I even had to stop mid conversation just to make sure what I was saying had made sense. If you ask me now what I had been sharing I honestly don;t remember but I do remember is His Spirit just filling me with revelation and message after message that I could not longer contain. And that was when I realised the truth of His Word of "you will start to experience things that have never crossed your mind!" That honestly got me curious and excited!!!
I also remember questioning God (as I was sharing with my mum) that night about how my passion to teach and studying to be a journalist is aligned? And I remember Him just reassuring me that I was on the right path in that He purposely led me down the path of studying journalism and coincidingly placing teaching passions in me. He showed me how being a teacher and journalist is quite similar in that they both require me to question and investigate for the truth. And that's when the picture became more clear. I knew why I had a grow interest in teaching and journalism and I knew deep down that he was planning something great with the both.
I also learnt that night that I've always loved public speaking and I've always loved watching people speak on stage. And I knew why I loved it. It was because God Himself was preparing me to one day speak on stage in front of many. And that night I knew that being elected School Captain and having opportunity after opportunity and compliment and after compliment (about public speaking) was not a coincidence. It was all planned by Him and all I needed to do was just surrender!
But the next post is the most telling post of far this year, so keep reading... =)
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