Uni has begun!
I had my first lecture today. It was journalism 1. I came to class with okay self-esteem. I mean I wasn't too nervous but by the end of class I have discovered that I am an impressionable person. When people around me have feel a certain way (usually negatively), I initially don't share that same feeling but when I notice that they are in difficulty I also follow.
So when I left class, it was all a blur for me but I knew that I could do it until I reached the lift. My classmates were commenting on how there was much to do etc. It made me question whether I had the capabilities to continue on.
I knew that I was older than these students and I had more "experience" than them in the sense that I have done a dilpoma course in Communications. I guess my fight now is my impressionable attribute that at times can be a positive thing for me but at most times works against me.
The only thing that felt like comfort for me in today's lecture was the lecturer's comment on how we should fail in order to learn anything. She noted that if universities all had smart and hardworking students then there will be nothing to teach, nothing to learn, nothing to gain more experiences from. No one is perfect, we all strive to become a better person. Don't think short of yourself because you are less than but look at the "more than" in your life!
This is the lesson that I've taken from today's lecture, besides the fact that journalists have a stressful yet exciting life ahead of them...
There is always a rainbow after the rain…
I’m starting my journalism course next week and I’m a bit anxious and weary of what may lay ahead of me. I learning to build up my confidence and self-esteem, particularly because of the nature of the industry I’m venturing into.
I know that this is something that I want to do but there are times when I strive to achieve I but then have moments of doubt: “can I do this? Do I have the ability to make this happen?” Most of these questions arise when I’m about to plan something in regards to my future studies or work experience in my field.
Until I had coffee with one of my ex-lecturers. He brought insight into the industry and complementing me on my writing. And later on in the day my friend also commented positively about my writing.
I guess, what I’m trying to say is that you may be doing something in your life that you love, you like, and you live for but at times think that may be its not what your supposed to do or when the “other” half of you wants to tear you down and shatter your dreams. Just remember to immerse yourself around people who can comfort or bring words of encouragement because you are the best judge in your life. What happens from now on is up to you but be sure to know that there is always a rainbow after the rain…
Stress Head
Have you ever experienced, so far, in life where the things you do or touch just crumbles right before you?
Have you ever experienced where you work hard and try your best but still everything fails?
Have you ever put so much of yourself into one particular aspect in your life and find yourself at lost?
I have.
These past few months, I’ve realized that I learning to become more relaxed in stressful situations. Situations I know that I don’t have control over.
I’m the type of person who likes to have “her hand in it”. I can’t just leave things to chance or to other people, not that I don’t trust people. It’s just that I need to do everything. There’s my problem.
Examples of this have been my unsuccessful uni application, work, uni timetables and resources, the list just goes on…
My friends from uni and work and my family have noted and commented this “behavioral problem “prohibits” me from making any change.
I’ve learnt from my mistakes now and just need to leave things the way it is. If its supposed to be that way then I’m going to leave it that way.
Its hard but I know that its part of my whole learning process and part of one of life’s education for me!
Having said that...
I did enjoy my Valentines Day... On the Saturday I went to a Valentines night event at church. Initially, I had doubts about going considering my feelings about Valentines and the whole 'set-up' thing I didn't wanto to go through. But hey I thought to myself 'this is a new year, new things, new challenges, and new mindset'. So I went.
I went in, leaving my negativity at the door. And to tell you the truth, I really enjoyed myself! It was definately not the "setting up or pairing up" sort of thing. It was more of a friendly gathering, meeting new people and just having a ball.
We played a series of games in groups, had dinner. I guess, what I really enjoyed most about it was the fact that I let go and opened myself to new experiences... I knew that the "old" me would never go to such events but you know as they say, 'there's a time to try new things' and plus my group won the last game! We were given a pair of scissors, red crepe paper, white cardboard, stickytape and 10 mins to create/design a lantern. Here it is:
Flowers, Chocolates, Teddy Bears...
Okay Valentines Day had just past. I was working all day creating and decorating for this day. I made bouquets, inflated "love" balloons, and in the process of doing so I felt that it was all stupid. I mean all these people go to such great extremes to show love or share love or whatever... But I think that it shouldn't be limited to that one day of the year... 14th of Feb! I mean millions of dollars has been made just from one day (Valentines Day) from selling chocolates, flowers etc. And what is it all for? For the one you love
So why do you just ahve to do it for one day? Why not everyday? Or any other day? By limiting ourselves to that one day, we fall in line with all the other "sheeps" of this world. Singing to the same melody. Why don't you be different and creative? Show you love to the one you love through things that are unexpected. I mean sending flowers or chocolates on Valentines Day is so overrated to the point where I think it becomes impersonal. I mean hey everyone is doing the same thing as you are... Don't you want to stand out to the one you love?
I'm Sorry! Is that enough?
Today's date will definately go down into Australia's history. The 13th February 2008 was the day Australia said 'sorry' to the indigneous Australians. After decades of emotion pain the ingigenous Australians have heard their 'sorry'. But is it enough?
Some critics view that its not enough. Enough is measured through financial compensation. And some view that enough is when the indigneous Autralians have education. And the list goes on and on... So what is enough?
Isn't 'sorry' enough? Well, the Rudd government views that this will be the start of a new relationship between the indigneous Australians and Australians. He plans to have all indigenous Australians at the age of 4 at school in the next 4 years. But is that enough?
I mean I'm sure there will be more programs enforced that will bridge the gap between these two cultural groups but without financial compensation is that enough?
I think that its not financial compensation that will help restore the indigenous Australians history, heart, and livelihoods. What will money do? Sure money will help them establish a busniess, home etc. But what about the chance of other things such as the access to drugs and alcohol? I'm not negatively looking at the indigneous Australians but I'm just looking at the facts and reality...
I had a friend in high school who was an indigneous Australian. He was very passionate about making changes and building a life where he could help his uncles and family find a job. He shared with me that people were discriminating his family because of their skin colour.
Through this I could see that he wanted change. Not change, necessarily, through monetary funds but through work opportunities that would lead to bulding a life that is attainable, healthy, and fruitful.
I think that's when its enough...
So YOU Think YOU Can Dance?!
I've been watching reality tv show "So You Think You Can Dance" recently. I think its entertaining and great to watch. But interestingly enough as I'm watching it I think to myself 'who are these people judging and determining whether a dancer can dance or not...whether they can get into the next round or not?' Because I mean isn't dance about expressing yourself?
I questioned this with one of my friends and he answered 'well dance is when you can dance to the beat. There are people there who can't dance to the beat' But I'm thinking 'isn't the beat from the heart?'
Its unusual and can be seen from different lights... I'm just araising this issue and point of view across becuase I think its one sided and distorted.
I mean you dance accodring to what you feel, how can someone come along and say that's not dance??
Anyway, isn't the title
'So YOU Think YOU Can Dance'???
Chasing my Dream!
I had always prayed to God throughout last year that He should straighten my path, show me which course He wanted me to do, what career He wanted me to take. But I guess I was still reliant on myself. Thinking that I could do it on my own.
So when 2008 came and I was waiting for my offer letter from uni and didn't find it in the post I went to Insearch and asked them what happened? They tried to figure it out. It was not because of my marks, or a late registration. But something was stopping my application.
And they found it. It was such a minor error on my application. I FORGOT to fill out that I was an Insearch student. So bascially UTS got my application, saw that I had no background and rejected me!
The office lady said that there was nothing they could do. I would have to wait until another 2 weeks for the late round offers. In those 2 weeks I had no idea if I got in or not because that depends if there were any positions left in the competitive course I had selected-journalism.
The lady just said "its out of your hands. Just pray." I thought, 'pray? pray for a miracle. Your telling me to pray?' So it was dark and cloudy outside as I waited for the bus. I was speechless. I had nothing to say. I felt ashamed. I felt rejected. I felt stupid.
So I got home, told my mum everything. But something in me still said that I was better than this. I was made and destined for something bigger. I know that I shouldn't focus on the negative/reality but hey at this point it was going to be a reality of mine.
But I just knew that God wouldn't let me do this alone. He is teaching me something. Maybe I was too ignorant to see it or hear it last year but this year in 2008 God HIT me with it. He wanted me to be more depended on Him, realise that I have potential to be a better person, and to start believing in what He has trusted me with.
I look back, 2 years ago I was in the exact position. I finished high school. Got an average mark. No uni accepted me. All my hopes of uni had disappeared just as the sun disappears when rain is about to drown the earth. But I found out about Insearch. It gave me hope for further study. Further education. Broader career options. I took it.
And now I'm back in square 1. 2 years later I'm on the verge of no uni again. But God put something in me that I knew the world could not take away. I knew that my life was not determined by a uni, an institution, a govt, a church, a pastor, a leader, or even my parents. I knew my life was determined by God. If He wanted to me to go through this process, I will joyfully do it!
And I did because I had too. God made me do it. So the next 2 weeks, I stayed home much of the time, I sought out God, I woke up everyday and pray, sing, and read His words. Dwell in his presence of 1 hour and offer my prayers, faith, and problems in hope for an answer.
And everyday He was there. He was on time. I called for him He was there. Not like the buses or trains that don't stick to their timetables. But God was there when I needed Him. I guess, that's all I needed. I just needed Him and no one else.
He counted my tears, heard my prayers, and answered my calls.
I went to youth on the 1 week of my "2 weeks in Egypt trip" and Om Sam called for people who wanted to experience change in their lives. I went up, he prayed for me and God spoke to me and told me to let go of my bounds. Trust in God. Stop listening to the negativity around you and listen to Him.
So as each day passed I was strengthened by God. And at the end of the 2 weeks, I got a call and they told me I got into UTS.
I knew that was God. I kept on praying for it. I was desperate for it. And I got it.
What I learnt was that its not things of this world that determines your life, but its God hands that leads you into the path that He wants.
One step forward, two steps back
Reminiscing: 2008…I’m only 18 days into 2008 and I have already faced my first problem! Great way to start the new year, don’t you think?! (okay, I’ll try not to be so negative about the whole thing)
So, here’s the story: You know that I been out of uni for half a year. The time that I had off cleared a few things for me. I know now that I definitely want to get a degree and actually make something of myself. I also had time to focus on my church work. I had learnt and grown more, maturely, (I hope) into a better and stronger person.
I had aimed for a lot in the past half year but most of the things I had aimed for never really got accomplished. I know now that its not what I plan that works but its what I don’t plan happen. I know now that its not I that has the authority over my life but its God.
The plans that I have made for myself have never turned out to be and now I have realized that its time for me to just lay it all in His hands and let Him dictate my life.
I have always had an obsession of making things right. Doing things the right way. Going by the books. Never leaving and room for mistakes. Well, after 18 days into year 2008 I have lost my ways…
So I find out that I have made a mistake on my uni application and I have reduced my chances of getting back into uni this year. The course I’m taking only has early year offers and since I have made a mistake on my application, I have, in other words, made a successful attempt at both social and educational suicide.
I am at the lowest of the lowest at the moment, I mean, ‘how did this happen to me? How could I let a slip up happen on my application? Why wasn’t I more thorough when I was filling in my application? You would think that I would double check everything since, I’m so cautious’ (I admit that one!)
These negative thoughts just keep racing in my mind as I sit on the bus home thinking of the mistake that I had done. A mistake that could potentially cost another year of my life…
On my way home, all I could think of was: ‘how do I tell my parents? How would everyone think of me?’ But all I knew was that there had to be a simple explanation for it. I searched and searched and searched but unfailingly didn’t find it.
The lady at the student service just said “there is nothing you can do now. It’s not in your hands. Just pray for the best!”
I was thinking ‘is that all you have to say to me? Just pray?” How do you think I could pray in such conditions? Knowing that you could have stuffed up your future plans just because you weren’t cautious in your uni application.
Resentment. Hurt. Questions. Mystery.
I couldn’t figure it out… until I spoke with my mum (my personal walking, talking, breathing life journal). I told her my situation. I told her that I knew that there was a lesson here for me to learn. I knew that God was teaching me to become a better person but I just couldn’t see how that was going to happen? I mean, here I am, at the lowest point in my life, re-living my situation from 2 years ago (where I wasn’t accepted into any uni) and here I am standing on the 18th day of 2008 and hopeless. I thought to myself ‘if this is just the beginning of 2008, what would I be like at the end of 2008?’ That thought just sent chills down my back…
But I had faith (well, whatever is left of it). I knew that I would overcome this trial. I shared a lot that day with my mum about how God was testing me to see if this course was what I really wanted to do, since I have prayed for the past half year for God’s guidance and reassurance that what I’m doing is right.
Now, I have to 2 weeks where I know God has set aside for me to seek Him, to find out whether this is the course I want to do, to reconnect and have a deeper relationship with Him.
It was hard for me. To think about the future since I had already set in my mind that I will do this, this, and this. But when something like making a mistake on your uni application, does change things, a lot!
I guess, I have learnt that you can plan things, set goals, set standards, and have dreams but always remember to bring it into prayer. Pray for it. Fast for it. Make sure it is really what God wants in your life.
Trust me, I didn’t do any of the things above and look where it got me. I’m blinded by my own hopes and dreams just because I didn’t seek Him. I didn’t find out if this is what God wanted from me.
New Year’s Resolution!
Puncak! That’s where I spent New Years ’08! In comparison to last year, my feeling is that I am expecting something great in this new year.
Looking back into the year 2007, I have no regrets or sorrow or hopelessness. I know that I have done the best that I could in year 2007.
Though I had a half year off, I felt that I have used the time wisely to get the experience of hard working.
I’ve learnt that things don’t come easily. There is a price to pay.
I’ve learnt to study hard, work harder. Be a better daughter, a better teacher, a better student, a better niece, and a better sister.
The time I had spent (half year off) God also has opened and taught me valuable lessons.
Lessons that I know will enable me for a bigger, brighter, better future!
2008, here I come…
Family Feuds
This is the story of my life… So here I am 3 days after Christmas, 3 days after the birth of the beloved Son yet I feel hollow. Empty. Unsatisfied. Disappointed. Sad. Lifeless.
Ponder. Wonder. Think.
Still no change.
All I know is that I miss my home. My city. My country. My Australia. My father (spiritually and paternally).
Christmas 2007 seems so colourless. I know that I should not look for satisfaction from humans but time and time again humans fail me.
Humans including my own mother and aunt!
Christmas this year has taught me not to depend on people. Not to depend on parents.
All will fail. Expect nothing from family but expect all from above.
Only by the grace of God, can I stand on my own two feet.
Through this Christmas, I have learnt that satisfaction and peace can only be found in Christ.
I have fallen into the cracks of misconception. Misunderstanding that spending time with family is worth all my time and efforts of half a year.
Boy, was I mistaken!!!
I’ve learnt to let go of all the smaller “incidents”. But as my holiday is passing me by, it seems as if it a spider web. Knitting a larger and more tangled web of troubles.
Example: My mum loves to put the wellbeing of her nieces and nephews before her own daughters.
When I traveled here, I had to carry a lot of things for her family. Yet when I get here they all misuse us.
They use us (my mum since she had $) to pay for food and accommodation. Like I mean we are guests, you are the hosts, you should show your hospitality to us.
When they come to Sydney, we treat them very well. We take them out.
It’s not balanced!
I guess all these feelings and negativity is rooted from the fact that there are certain family members that I don’t favour very much. And stirred in together with the fact that I miss my home and I miss spending summer at the beach and hanging out with friends, result in me being very sour about the whole holiday idea.
What I have learnt from this is that people, money, countries cannot satisfy your heart. You travel from place to place. You save up your money. You work hard. But you will never be able to satisfy your desire. You will always look for something you don’t have and when you have it, you don’t appreciate. You get bored. You leave it. You look for something else.
But when will this cycle end? When you have traveled to al continents? When you have bought all the branded clothing, shoes, bags? When you have acquired the finest education? And the list goes on.
Along the way, wouldn’t you stop and think where all this is leading to? Don’t you get tired of searching, seeking, discovering?
I have.
But lucky for me, I have found my source of peace, strength, and satisfaction. It is in the God who has chosen me. Who has planned my next step before I even know I am going to do. It is in Him that I know that life is not about the minor offerings that the world offers for happiness, success, or peace.
I know where I stand. Do you?
Empty Faces of Jakarta
Jakarta… So here I am in Jakarta. My uncle and aunty came and picked me up. I slept over their place since I have no home in Indonesia.
Looking back: - I anticipated for a relaxing holiday, where I get to meet friends (the very little that I have) and family I have missed for quite some time. But I guess that’s not what had happened in Indo.
The journey to their house was trip of loaded with despair, heavy heartedness and sadness. People on the streets, sidewalks and shops seem so lifeless, dull and empty.
Everytime I travel to Indo, I feel heavy hearted. So many unfortunate AND fortunate people living in the same country, same city, same suburb, and even same street…People who don’t have the basic essentials:- of proper toilet, bedroom, bed etc. In comparison to the fortunate people who have blocks of land just to fit their private cars or swimming pools that they never swim in or have so many room in their homes that are built just for display for the neighbours.
These are the basic essentials? Basic essentials for who? For you, who has the BMW in the driveway or for the people who can barely make the day.
But one can question, ‘what are the basic essentials?’
This poses as a striking question for me. What I think is “basic essential” is not always what the world thinks or condones to be a “basic essential”.
It is here that I observe, examine and come to appreciate my own life. My own surroundings, My apartment. My family. My education. My country.
It is not until you step out of your comfort zone, do you realize that life is precious.
Life is given. Life is taken. Life is wasted. Life is cherished. Life is joyous. Life is destructive.
Which is your life? –I think I know which one mine is.
Keep up with it!
Wow… so I haven’t been blogging for quite a while now. My deepest apologies! I have missed writing in my blog, I must admit. It’s just that I have been working a lot in the last few months of 2007 and then I left to go on holidays to a place where internet connection was very lame!!!
So, its 2008 now aye! A new year, a new beginning, a new attitude and a new outlook life and its future…True or not? Well, I guess I’ll be letting you know on that one at the end of year 2008. But I am hopeful and optimistic about the future as I know that my past has opened my eyes for more correction and improvement for a better present and future.
Hmmm… just to give you a brief timeline of my life in the past few months, its as follows:-
I have been working a lot at Mr Balloons as I have time off uni to really find out what I really what in life
I have learnt great new lessons that have (hopefully) made into a better person
I’ve learnt that it is not working as a balloon decorator that makes me happy – I know that I can do more than just that
I’ve learnt the importance of money and saving. Team work and working environments that can be a bit stressful are just apart of the life of a working girl
I’ve also grown a lot in Christ… I’ve learnt a lot about growing up and taking hold of my future
And the list just goes on and on and on…
And as you keep on traveling through my blog posts I will reveal more and more what been happening in the world of randomz-tephiee…
So stay tuned! You might like what you discover about this extraordinary girl living in an extra-extraordinarily world!!!
